My Demons Are The Wind
by Breech Loader
Summary: Fred lives life in the present tense, because he's not sure if he'll see tomorrow. He's not sure whether to run from the demons of drug and alcohol abuse, or walk into the wind to prove he can take it. He's not sure of a lot of things, really. Still, he's got his friends no matter which way he turns - especially Honey. HoneyZilla build-up.
1. Walk Into The Wind

My Demons Are The Wind

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: Everybody's got problems, and being incredibly rich comes with a special brand of difficulties. Fred has problems. They're not problems he can't fight, but when you're having a rough time, there's nothing you need more than the support of your friends. And sometimes it's supporting one person that might just bring everybody together.

Anyway, there's quite a bit of drug abuse involved in this story, and some serious near-death brushes, and sexual stuff. The Honeyzilla stuff comes second to the general tension but it's still pretty clear I ship it.

This story is in present tense, and it starts when the guys are just a few weeks into SFIT - everybody's 16-17 at the beginning.

I don't own the cover image, it's by somebody called CosmoAnimato on Pintrest. I make no money from the image, and i'm making no money from this story, and I don't own Big Hero 6 etc or Fred wouldn't have been interrupted in that scene.

* * *

Chapter One: Walk Into The Wind

If there is one thing Frederick Lee hates, it's being rich.

Sure, his father has explained many times, and Fred gets it, he totally gets it, that being rich means he doesn't need to worry about bills, or food, or whether he'll have a bed to sleep in tomorrow. That he couldn't have his huge collections without money.

But as the smoke rises up around him, it reminds him of all the _bad_ things about being rich.

Like having rich friends.

They're all out for a night on the town and he's been invited too because they always call him and say he's a fun guy to hang with. His parents are friends with their parents, or at least his dad pretends he likes them but Fred's seen the look on his dad's face when he talks over the phone.

Nights on the town happen about once a week now. They start by going to big, flashy clubs and drinking way too much to thin out the lightweights, and then they'll settle down in one final club and break out the real shit. When it's all the guys, sometimes somebody will hire a hooker. Fred hates that too. You should treat girls with dignity. Even hookers.

A blunt is passed to him and he takes a deep drag, part of him wondering what idiot first thought of rolling dry leaves into paper and lighting it on fire, and what kind of maniac would think it was fun, the other part just trying to relax and tune out all his 'friends'.

It's not so bad when they do it outside, in the fresh air, where the wind blows some of the smoke away and Fred can look up at the stars, but tonight there's a storm, and he's got no excuses.

"Okay guys," Benny steps back in the room. He has a few little packets with him. Fred knows it's Crack Cocaine, because when it's Benny's turn to get the shit, it's always Crack. Hopefully by the time the line comes around to him, the other guys will be too busy being high or throwing up or making out to notice that he keeps passing. The thick smoke in the air is bad enough for him.

"I think…" somebody pipes up as they light the bowl and somebody else chops the lines, "I think tonight, Fred should start."

Fred looks up sharply – well, sharply for having been smoking pot half the night.

"Yeah," somebody else adds slyly, "You never get to go first, Fred."

Fred tries to think of an excuse, and his cloudy mind fails him, so he leans forward and snorts up a line, like he's watched the others do, and then takes a drag from the pipe and tries to exhale as much as possible. He rests his head on the back of the couch, making an attempt to convince himself how cool he must look to anybody with an IQ under 70 and how awesome his rich, crackhead friends are, coughing slightly.

Then comes the first high.

* * *

It's about two hours later, and Fred has managed to pass the pipe every other turn now. He feels sick with the combo of booze, pot and crack, and his head spins like a merry-go-round.

He can hear Benny being sick in the corner, which is new because Benny is usually the best at holding his Crack of any of them.

He pokes Tina, who is holding a needle and staring at the ceiling, "Hey, wanna go and hold Benny's hair out of his face?" he drawls. But she doesn't move, and he pokes her again, "Uh, Tina?"

Her head lolls towards him. Her face is white to the point of grey, and there is vomit on her blouse. Fred tries to panic, and fails.

"Uh, guys? I think something's wrong with Tina…"

A couple of them try to lift their heads. It occurs to Fred that something's wrong with _all_ of them. Behind the stained couch, Benny is being sick again, "Fred…" he coughs, "Fred, thank God… I think… I think something was up with that Crack… You gotta do something…"

Fred's not so sure "Benny… I don't feel too good…" Fred staggers to his feet and looks down at him. Benny is doubled over, clutching his chest and his stomach.

"Fred… you gotta get someone," Benny gasps, his breathing all wrong, "You can stand… you can… _think_ … you gotta… gotta do something…"

He's not sure how long it takes him to get to the door, but the thought's in his head, _I gotta do something…_ He's only a few steps down the road before he's sick too, his head spinning, _I gotta find somebody…_

He staggers back to his feet. It's pouring with rain. He didn't think to grab his jacket, and his clothes are soaked through in a matter of minutes. It soaks his beanie and sticks his hair down to his face. The wind is so strong that it could knock him flat on his back as easily as the drugs.

He hunches over, hugging at himself as if that would make the slightest difference because he's already soaked through and freezing cold. There's hardly anybody about; why would anybody be out in this weather? A couple of people pass him and he tries to grab them, to beg for help, but they pull away and just run…

He's not sure where he is when he gives up and just falls to his knees in a puddle, drenched and feeling as if the wind itself is screaming at him about how completely pathetic and weak he is right now. It's hard to believe he's even human. _Nobody_ is going to help him. They're all going to _die_.

He's not sure, but he may actually be crying.

Somebody else is hurrying past, and he grabs out in despair.

"Oh! Don't hurt me!" a girl's voice squeals.

"Please…" he begs, "I think… I think I did somethin' stupid…" He drops her ankle and he's sick again, this time on her shoes.

"Ew!"

"Oh shit… sorry… please…" He's soaked from head to foot and he must stink of drugs and there's vomit on his shirt and he must look like a goddamn hobo… He coughs a few times, "Please help me…"

She hesitates, then offers him a hand, "Okay… I'll help. Come on, I'm taking you to my friends and we'll help. I think you need the hospital…"

"No… no, I'm fine…" he knows he isn't but… "My friends… I think they… I think they're in trouble."

"You're not fine at all… oh, you smell weird!" he leans on her, panting as she holds her umbrella over them both. He can hardly stand, "My name's Mariana, what's yours?"

"Fr-Fred…" he looks at her. She looks a bit like Tina, without the boob implants and he knows Tina's had a nose-job. So really, Mariana is a lot prettier than Tina, "And I think I did somethin' stupid…" he tells her again.

They stagger on a bit more, and he's thinking about how his friends are sick back at the club but he's just too busy trying to put one foot in front of the next. Shivering under the cover of the umbrella, he eventually realises that he's crying, "Marie… My friends are in trouble…"

"Don't worry Fred, we'll figure out what to do."

* * *

He's not sure of the passage of time, but finally he's sitting down and there's other people in the well-lit room, but he's not at the hospital.

"Mariana, he's obviously a junkie!" a young man is saying, "You can't just bring him in here! There's gotta be some kind of rule about it!"

"Well what was I supposed to do? Just leave him there? He was begging me for help!"

Fred is sobbing now. In-between the clouds of smog that are fogging up his brain, he can feel these people looking at him. He can't imagine how they must see him. Also, there's a new pain rising up fast, howling for attention. He raises one hand to his forehead, but it's not there, it's _inside_ , "Uh…"

"Fred?" Mariana rushes over to Fred and tries to look in his eyes.

"It… it's in my head…" he manages to speak. It's rising up fast, and the word 'hurts' is suddenly unfit for purpose because it's more like a needle, a singularity, a flatline of sheer indescribable _pain_. He's breathing hard and slides off the chair onto his knees. His nails dig into the lino floor and he's scared… more scared than any time before. She puts a cool hand on his forehead, to find he's sweating.

"Guys, he's burning up…"

"I'm gonna die…" he can't even move, because it hurts that bad. It feels like he's splitting into two people and if they could only get back together, then it would stop hurting. And then, wet as he already is, he's pretty sure he's just pissed himself, although all things are a secondary concern to the terrifying feeling that he's going to die. He baulks, then vomits bile onto the clean tiles, "I'm gonna… I don't wanna…"

"Tadashi, isn't that robotic doctor you're working on ready yet?" a different woman asks, "This is as good a time as any for a field test…"

"It's _not_ ready, Tamago, that's the problem. I've only a few weeks in! Listen Marie, you're right, we gotta call the hospital."

Fred looks up, "No, I'm fine, it's my friends, they're in trouble, they-" he breaks off and throws up again, and after a few more seconds of gagging, it occurs to him that Mariana is actually holding his hair back out of his face. "Oh god… Oh god…" his stomach gives another lurch, and there's nothing left to throw up but bile, but his stomach keeps twisting and he keeps on throwing up and his head is _screaming_ in pain…

Or is that just him?

His head is swimming, he's exhausted, and the last thing he remembers from this horrible night is collapsing into a puddle of his own puke…

* * *

The next time Fred opens his eyes, he's in a hospital bed. He's clean. He doesn't smell of pot or booze or vomit. There's nobody around, but there's a cup of tea on a table, so somebody was here…

"Uh…"

The next thing he knows, there's a bunch of doctors around him. He's trying to answer their questions but mostly… it's still tough to think. Finally he blurts out, "What happened?"

The doctor settles down a little, "You were brought in by some friends after you suffered a seizure and severe vomiting from a drug binge. You've been comatose for two weeks."

The clouds are lifting but still… "My dad…"

"Don't worry, your details were in your wallet. Your parents already know, Fred. They're here."

"I guess… that's what I'm worried about…" he thinks hard for a few seconds, because he's tired and it's tough to focus, "What about the others? My… my friends?"

"Your friends are fine. They've been visiting and calling you daily to check on your improvements."

"Oh, thank god…"

His head falls back. They're alive. The guys who helped him also managed to help them and now everything will be just fine. They'll learn a lesson and nobody will have to do any of that shit ever again. He didn't fail them.

"Fred?" he turns his head. His father's standing in the doorway, and walks over to his bedside slowly, a serious expression on his face, "They're dead, Fred."

"Pardon?" the doctor looks slightly confused, even as Fred's eyes widen in horror.

"No…" Fred groans, "Oh no… no, no, no…" He clutches his head and it's as if he can hear the wind howling all over again, _You failed_ , "Oh no…"

"Those kids who died two weeks ago. That's who my son is talking about," his father explains fast to the doctor, and then sits next to the bed, "Six of them. Heart failure. Benny is still comatose. The doctors weren't sure you'd wake up either."

Fred breathes in and out as it sinks in slowly. It feels strange that he doesn't hurt more for losing them. Deep down, he knows why that is, but it still makes him feel guilty, "I get it…" he sighs, "And… the guys who helped me… Have they really been visiting?"

"They've been calling the hospital daily. You owe them your life… Look at yourself, Fred, I thought you were smarter than this," his father wraps him in an embrace, "You mean everything to me… How could you do something so foolish?"

"I… I…" he swallows, "I just wanted to fit in… I've been doing it for months… I'm really sorry, dad…" he starts crying and wraps his arms around his dad, "I'm so sorry, I just… Benny wanted me to fetch help, and I didn't know what to do, I kept on being sick and… I'm sorry." His dad is so disappointed in him that he can't stand it, "Dad, people are _dead_ …"

There is a silence, and then his dad speaks, "But not because of you."

"But I was supposed to find somebody… Isn't it my fault?"

Stan Lee can't help but be impressed at how his son is willing to take responsibility for the tragedy, "Not all of it. I should have been around more. I shouldn't have insisted that you hang out with Benny just because of your similar social status. These last two weeks I've had time to think. To prepare. We can get through this, if we all work together as a family."

"Aw, dad!"

They hug.

* * *

Mr Lee faces the four kids who've recently saved his son's life. He's dressed in a plain suit. He looks just like any normal dad.

"You've saved my son's life," he tells them, "There's no way I could ever repay you for that."

"Well, the science division at SFIT could use some more funding, if you're secretly a millionaire," Wasabi laughs.

Mr Lee laughs too, "Fred's been hanging out with a bad crowd lately," he tells them more seriously, "I suppose you might know that crowd… has been thinned. He needs to fill his time productively, and I was hoping that the four of you well-educated kids might like to help? He's fascinated by the practical applications of science."

They look at Fred, who looks a lot more appealing when he's not throwing up, "No offense, Mr Lee," Tadashi shrugs, "But I don't know that Fred would do great at SFIT as a student. There's gotta be another angle though…"

There's a few silent seconds while they try to think. Knowing Fred for even this brief amount of time has been a whole new experience for all of them.

"Oh! Oh!" Mariana puts up her hand, "I have an idea, Mr Lee! There's going to be a competition to choose the School Mascot in a few weeks! We could get to know Fred at SFIT that way!"

Mr Lee smiles.

* * *

It's two days since Fred woke up and he now knows the kids who saved his life by name. It's kind of because his dad set it up, but it's nice to have smart friends. Their projects are super-cool, he doesn't mind hearing all the details on how it'll work even if he doesn't understand all of it. And they don't mind that he's kind of a geek sometimes. They're not junkies and they're not snobs or jerks. Okay, they're not rich, but as far as they know, neither is he.

It's like having a secret identity. He'll tell them when he's ready.

"I like how your tea smells," he tells Mariana.

"Thanks! I like to take it with a bit of honey and lemon. It makes it really sweet."

"Hmm," he thinks for a minute, "I think it suits you."

"Thanks."

"I mean, Honey Lemon. I'm gonna call you Honey Lemon from now on. Cus you're so sweet," he grins, and she blushes a little, which is really cute and kind of funny, "Okay, so I've got this awesome idea for my Mascot costume," he holds up a sketch for Honey Lemon to see, "Behold! Fredzilla!"

"Fredzilla?" Honey smiles widely, looking at the sketch. It's pretty good. In fact it's very good for a quick sketch, "It looks pretty cool… but what's a giant lizard got to do with science?"

"Okay, so the 'zilla' part is totally optional," he grins, "See, what I figure is that people think there's limits to what science can do. They'd say, well, it works, so why go further? They say it's boring. They say it's unrealistic. Well, I say science doesn't have limits! I say with enough science, nothing's impossible! Not even transforming into a huge fire-breathing lizard!"

"I don't know if that's science…" Honey laughs, "But it's definitely a new way of saying giant lizards are scientific."

Fred beckons her closer, "Between you and me, sometimes I dream I'm a fire-breathing lizard," he sits up again, looking into her eyes, "Oh, and Honey Lemon?"

"What?"

"Thanks," he hugs her, "For saving my life…"

She smiles and hugs him back, "Any time."

* * *

Breech: I've never done crack. Just saying. But if Fred behaved exactly as a person on a Crack high does, he'd never even get out of the door to try to fetch help. Kids, don't do drugs, 'kay?

Anyway, next chapter is less of a downer, but things are always tough after a big change.


	2. When The Thunder Rolls

My Demons Are The Wind

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: The physical effects of withdrawing from pot aren't that bad – but staying off it permanently can be tough on the emotions if you're not one of those "Oh well, I can totally quit pot any time I like" people.

* * *

Chapter Two: When Thunder Rolls

Okay, out of hospital now and ten days clean. And really, really missing the feel of it. Not just the drugs, but the habit itself.

"Doing okay, man?" Tadashi asks Fred.

"Sure, I'm okay. Of course I'm okay." Fred snaps at him, "Why wouldn't I be okay, man?"

"Well, you did just try and take a drag from your pen," Tadashi points out. Fred looks at it, and he can't help but laugh.

"Yeah, it doesn't hurt, I guess. It's just… the feeling of doing it I miss." His hands fidget, but he gets himself under control, "I could really go for a drink right now."

All four of them look up. Fred is a nice guy, but bad habits are harsh to break. The last thing he needs is to switch one bad habit for another.

"Fred, we're here for you," Honey Lemon puts down her chemistry flask and walks over, "We won't take you to a bar but maybe we can all go out to some other place?"

"Nah… you're right, I guess." Fred hesitates, ashamed, "I gotta… I'll just be a minute, I swear…" He hops off the chair and heads into the next room.

"Uh… Fred?" Danny heads after him. When he gets into the next room, he sees Fred standing with his left hand in a desk drawer. Danny isn't sure what he was expecting – Fred sneaking a joint, maybe? But then the lanky blond slams the drawer on his hand like a clap of thunder, cursing between gritted teeth. It's such a shock that Danny spills his sushi and wasabi all over himself.

"JESUS CHRIST FRED!"

"FUCK!" Fred spins around like a naughty child with his hand caught in the cookie jar, "Oh man! Danny! I… I… it's not how it-"

"You just slammed your own fingers in a desk drawer Fred!" Danny shouts, "HOW IS IT NOT HOW IT LOOKS?!" he grabs Fred by the shirt and drags him back into the lab, "Tell them!"

"It's nothing, I just-"

"It's not nothing!" Danny shouts, "Hurting yourself is never nothing!"

"I…" Fred searches his friends' faces for anger or shame or derision, but all he's getting is concern, "Every time I think about taking drugs again, I… I punish myself…" He rolls up his sleeves. There are several bruises on his arms, and they all grimace.

"Fred, you can't keep doing that," Tadashi tells him firmly, "It's not a good way to deal with it."

"I just wanna beat this so _bad_ ," Fred tells them, feeling exhausted as he rolls his sleeves back down, "But I've kinda got a stomach-ache right now and it's tough to keep it out of my head."

"Well, from all those bruises I'd say _this_ method isn't working," Tomago points out, popping a bubble.

"It's not what you want to do, it's about what you really do," Tadashi points out, "Fred, we can't walk the streets with you, or stick with you every minute but… Promise you won't hurt yourself again. Even if you start thinking about pot."

Fred hangs his head and pushes his fingers up into his hair, feeling terribly ashamed, "I… I know what you're saying, guys," he sighs and thinks about it, "I promise. Besides, look on the bright side…" he grins, "I know what I'm going to call Danny now!"

Danny looks up sharply, suspicious again, "What?"

"Wasabi!" Fred points at Danny's shirt, "It's all over your shirt!"

"Hey, that's your fault!" Danny insisted.

"HA!" Fred laughs despite himself, "Besides, Wasabi, this guy I know," by whom he means Heathcliff, "Dropped off the stuff I need to make my mascot costume. Mind if I work on it in here?"

There's a pause, "No problem," Wasabi nods, "It's good to keep busy, right?"

"Fred?" Go-Go asks, as Fred starts dragging a large box in, "What's it like?"

"Uh, what?"

"I've always wondered. What's it like, to do Crack?"

Fred thinks about it, "Well, that was only my third time with Crack, but…" he scratches the back of his neck thoughtfully, "Well, it's like up to 15 minutes of awesome. Really awesome. I mean, I gotta admit it's 'wow'. There's like, this part of me that can't forget that first hit. Sorry, Go-Go, but you asked."

She nods.

"So, I balance it out by remembering the crash," he cheers up, "Now that, Go-Go… that part _sucks_. I mean, I try and think how crack, it makes you feel like a fuckin' god for an hour or two but… everything else about it is kind of a downer," He starts dragging materials out of his large box, "Real problem with that shit is, once you start, you can't stop 'til you're out. Or dead. The night we met? Mostly I got out the door 'cus there wasn't any more to smoke."

"Hey, we're here for you, Fred," Wasabi tells him kindly, "Besides, you do better things with your time now, right?"

Fred straightens up and looks thoughtful, "Yeah, I do," he grins, "Like live." For a moment it almost feels funny that all his old friends are dead. Then he drops into his seat and bursts into tears.

Tadashi, Wasabi, Go-Go and Honey Lemon rush over ro him, "Fred? Are you still okay?" Honey asks.

"I'm so sorry I asked," Go-Go agrees, "I won't-"

"It's just the remembering," he laughs, and wipes his eyes with the back of his sleeve, "I know you guys are too smart to be that stupid, but seriously, you do _not_ want to have the memories of a crack hit always nagging you about how it's so fuckin' easy to be _that_ happy…"

They all hug him. Fred never realised how much he likes hugs until he met them, and he hugs them all back.

"Just remember that it's all or nothing, Fred," Tadashi reminds him, "Just shake it off…"

Fred takes a deep breath and it's that night for real that he decides he'd rather have his friends smiling at him than even one more stupid downer crash.

* * *

It's almost midnight when they all sign off, and Honey finds Fred looking at his half-complete suit, sitting outside on a wall and holding a pen in his hand and staring into the distance. There's a thunderstorm miles away, and the occasional lightning strike splitting the sky, the thunder rubles from far away, and rain spots the concrete lightly.

"Are you thinking of something important, Fred?" she asks him.

"Kind of," he stares into the distance, marking the storm far away, "I guess this is gonna sound really, really stupid coming from me, but… You spend a lot of time with Tadashi. Are you two…"

"Together? Oh, no," Honey shakes her head, "We went on a date once but we always end up talking about science, not each other. We didn't really click, I suppose."

Fred grins. He's actually been hoping that would be the answer, even if it is an embarrassing thing to ask,, "Well, that's cool. But mostly I'm thinking how… y'know… it's never too late to quit fucking up."

She sits next to him, "You're not messing up. The less you worry that you'll mess up, the easier it'll be to keep fixing it."

"Want to know something funny?" he asks, "I didn't really enjoy doing drugs. Now, it's like waving goodbye to an old friend. A friend who kept stealing all your time and money and was planning to kill you, but they still cheered you up. I guess I just let the guys talk me into it…"

Honey flicks his slumping shoulders gently, "Just try to stop thinking about it. You've got us now."

Fred stares at his feet. Well, he would like to change the subject… "Honey, before I get to know you too well to tell you," he smiles at his feet, embarassed, "I just wanna tell you that you're the prettiest girl I've ever met."

Honey sags a little, like it's not really that much of a compliment, "Sometimes on campus boys call me 'Science Barbie'. They laugh because I like facials and the colour pink, and they act like I'm a dumb blonde."

Fred looks up with a frown, "Well, that's… like a jerky thing to say.," he thinks for a second, "Close your eyes for a moment."

"Okay…" Honey closes her eyes.

"Open them." Honey opens her eyes. Fred is currently wearing the completed head of his mascot costume. The thunder rumbles again, "Rargh. I was Fred. Now I'm a horrible lizard monster!" he laughs, then settles down again, "So what if they think scientists can only like science? So what if they think you look like that air-head Barbie? So what if they think a girl can't be smart and a little bit ditzy both at once? You _are_ really pretty, and smart, and sweet, and I think you are just a totally awesome friend. So really, when they're douchebags to you, it's their loss."

Honey can't help but laugh, "Y'know, Fred, you are pretty smart yourself. Maybe you should try applying for a class?"

"Oh, I'm already taking classes," Fred replies off-handedly, "The guys in my classes call me out on nearly dying all the time. They call me a junkie and a geek and an idiot. That's not important. What's important is you remembering that no matter how many of those things are true _, those guys are still assholes._ "

Honey laughs at that too. Fred's good at making her smile. He hasn't taken the head of his costume off yet, "That's definitely a new way to look at it," she agrees.

"Some guys feel threatened by a girl who's smarter than them," Fred tells her, "Me, I'd be worried if you weren't!" He looks off into the distance for a moment – although it's hard to tell in the costume. Then he does it again. Holds the pen in his fingers and starts raising it.

Honey takes off the head of the costume, "Thinking about the habit again?" she asks him.

"What? Oh…" Fred looks down at the way he's holding the pen, "I guess. I… never mind." His hand moves to the other, where his fingers are bruising from their recent encounter.

"Fred…" Honey tells him, "Don't think like that."

"How would you know what I'm thinking?" Fred asks stubbornly.

"Because I'm your friend," Honey reminds him softly.

He looks at her, then at his bruised hand. And then he smiles, because she's right. On both counts.

* * *

Breech: Yeah, not as long a chapter but hey. Fred cutting himself felt totally out-of-character, but people can also bruise themselves deliberately.

While pot is certainly not as addictive and deadly as, say, Crack, it is without a doubt habit-forming. It also has withdrawal effects such as stomach-aches and irritability. Depending on the individual, quitting for good can be a strain psychologically.


	3. Drowning Your Sorrows

My Demons Are The Wind

By Breech Loader

* * *

Me: Dammit, no reviews? Is it my story that's unpopular, or is Big Hero 6 really that bad?

* * *

Chapter Three: Drowning Your Sorrows

It's been almost a month since Tadashi's death in the fire, and Fred has found the perfect way to handle it.

The only problem is the morning after, when he's waking up on a couch with his head pounding because of the sun having the gall to come through the curtains. Not even his own couch, but right now this morning it's Honey's couch.

He stands up and- "ARGH DAMMIT!" – his head is spinning. Drops onto his hands and knees and realises that he's kneeling in partly dried vomit. Okay, so he doesn't really remember last night. He stands up, more carefully this time. There's the smell of something cooking, and even though his mouth tastes like vomit and he's not really hungry but anyway…

"Morning, Honey!" he tries to sound cheerful. For her. It's been hard for them all this last month. Honey acts happy, but he knows her well enough to see through it to the hurting.

"It's not morning, Fred," Honey's dressed and has her hair up neatly and her flat shoes on. He's well aware that he must look like a hobo in comparison, "It's after noon."

"Huh… Well… I guess you picked me up last night, right?" he checks, and grins, embarrassed, "Thanks, Honey. Sorry about the mess…"

"It's… it's okay…"

She sounds tired. It's obviously not okay, "No, really, I'm sorry," he sighs, "It won't happen again, okay?"

"Stop saying that, Fred!" she bursts out, and turns quickly, before taking a deep breath, "Stop saying sorry. You obviously don't mean it."

"What?"

"Well, this is the third time in seven days that you've been sick on my carpet, and I'm tired of it!" she looks away for a moment, but when she turns back he can see the shadows under her eyes, "I'm tired of you going out by yourself and swilling alcohol and smoking cannabis! And then you call me and-"

"Heh, I don't even remember calling you…"

"Exactly! You were passed out by the time I got to you! I had to drag you into the car!"

Fred feels his mouth opening and closing a couple of times, before he clenches his fists, "Well if you've got a problem, I won't call you any more! I'll call Wasabi or Go-go!"

"Oh, so you think they haven't noticed?" Honey sucks in a deep breath, "This is _not_ a healthy way of dealing with loss, Fred."

"Dealing with- Oh right," he scowls, "This is about Tadashi. I went out for drinks with Tadashi _before_ he died, you know. And you never noticed any of my hangovers then."

"I know, but not like this! Not on your own! You're making yourself sick again, Fred!" Honey pulls what she's cooking off the grill before it can burn, and then turns back to him, "You know you've had these kinds of problems in the past!"

"So what? I beat it! You're acting like I'm some kind of addict!"

"You _are_ an addict, Fred!" Honey told him, "Part of me was always scared that you might go back to drink and drugs, and now you are! Alcoholism is an addiction!"

"I'm not an-"

"Then explain this!" She slams a calendar down on the table and pulls it back a month. There's a big black mark on the date of the fire. A couple of days later there's a red mark, and a pink 'H'. Two days after, there's another red mark, this time accompanied by a green 'W'. The next time, it is a yellow 'G'. The Ws and Gs rapidly decrease, but the number of red crosses do not.

"You've been… keeping track of me since day one?" he asks, a spark of anger, fuelled by indignation flares up. He knows instinctively that every cross represents a day he's been drunk. And if he's absolutely honest, he's been drinking more than that…

"Since Go-Go told me you threw up on her shoes, actually."

"That doesn't make me an addict," he insists stubbornly, "I'm just… trying to deal with it! You just smile all the time and act like nothing's wrong!" Okay, that wasn't fair. He's seen Honey trying to hide her crying; she just wipes her eyes and pretends she's got something in her eye…

"You're drinking alone! AND you stink of cannabis! Again!"

"So what?!" they're almost screaming at each other now, "It's just pot! It's not like I'm doing crack! Pot doesn't kill you!"

"Oh, right, so there's a positive side to setting dead leaves on fire and inhaling their ashes into your lungs?! There's a positive side to calling me for a pick-up and passing out drunk before I can even get there?! What would Tadashi say, if he saw you falling apart like this?!"

"Who _cares?!_ Tadashi's _DEAD_ , you stupid cow-" Fred doesn't need to see Honey's eyes fill with tears; he regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth, and covers his mouth with his hands in horror, "Oh god… Oh, god I'm so sorry, Honey, I'm so sorry…"

"Freddy…" Honey looks away, taking a few deep breaths, "It's okay. I miss Tadashi too…" she turns back to him, "I… I miss him too…" she begins to sob, because she's penned it up so tight with prison bars made from smiles, and hugs Fred. He stinks of pot and booze but he's warm, and gentle, "And I don't want to lose you as well…"

"Honey…" he wraps his arms around her, feeling like a total scumbag for talking to her like that, "It… it's just pot, Honey. It's not gonna kill me…"

"No, it's not _like_ that," Honey sobs, her makeup starting to run, "Don't you remember what you were like before? How we met? You were so drunk and stoned that you were collapsing in the street, and… and you nearly died, remember? Doing pot, joining in with your crackhead friends, drinking all the time… I don't want to lose you to that guy…"

There's silence now. Honey continues to sob, and Fred's just standing there, with a headache in his chest and a sick feeling in his stomach that last night's binge doesn't fully explain. Finally he sits on the kitchen chair, still holding onto her, "I… I'm sorry, Honey."

"Stop saying sorry!" she sobs again, "I can't keep smiling and pretending nothing's wrong… not when you keep behaving this way…"

Fred strokes her back, trying to think straight in the light of day, "Honey… Mariana… I… I… I can _beat_ this," she looks up, her face streaked with tears, "I promise."

"Please, Fred," she pleads, "Don't make promises you don't plan to keep…"

"Mariana," he tilts her chin up gently, "I _promise_. I promise I'll try. I'll try, and then I'll beat it. I promise."

"You really will?"

"It'll be easy," he smiles back, "Especially with you guys as my friends."

"You have to mean it, Fred," her eyes search his, "Because we're all in it together, Fred. Nobody's giving up on anybody, so please, please, mean it."

Fred concentrates. He hates seeing Honey like this. He didn't even go straight back to the pot, it's just that the bars he was boozing out his memories in were those kinds of bars and… "I swear it," he holds up a hand, looking quite serious, "On my honour as Fredzilla, I… I can work this out. I can. I _will_."

She buries her face in his grubby sweater and starts crying again, this time with relief, "Oh, Freddy…"

"Yeah…" he embraces her, "And you don't have to keep smiling either," he can feel a few tears running down his face too, and lays a kiss very gently on the top of her head, "You make me happy just knowing people like you exist…"

* * *

Breech: Aw… Everybody falls off the wagon a few times. The important thing is to get back on the horse.

Chrissake, can I just have some reviews already?


	4. Hurricane Of Emotion

My Demons Are The Wind

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: Where are all my reviews?

Anyway, this chapter is... pretty dark. Because... well, I don't like to spoil but this chapter is why it gets the M rating, okay? Also, Fred's powers are based on the comics more than the movies.

* * *

Chapter Four: Hurricane Of Emotion

It's two months since they started being superheroes, and Fred loves every moment of it. Okay, it's scary, and hard work, but he wouldn't give it up for anything.

His dad used to be a superhero! For real! His mom was a S.H.I.E.L.D agent! And he didn't just grow up on an island – that was a S.H.I.E.L.D base, they just hid it from the kids he used to know in elementary school! SO AWESOME! It explains everything! Okay, not everything, but _most_ things…

Knowing his dad helps train superheroes and isn't just some businessman helps when he's away, and dad's even setting up arrangements for him and the guys to visit the base.

 _So. Frikkin'. Awesome._

And now it's 90 days since he quit the shit. Every day Baymax scans him and they add another day to the calendar and life gets better. He kind of knows that he can never touch booze or drugs again, but Hiro, Honey, Go-Go, Wasabi and Baymax aren't the kind of friends who judge him on how well he holds his shit.

Anyway, they've changed out of their costumes at the base, by which he means his house, and he looks at Honey as she does up her hair, trying to get up the balls.

"Hey, uh, Honey?" she smiles at him, and it's like there's another sun in the room, "You, uh… would you mind if I walked you home?"

She blushes a bit, "Of course I don't mind, Fred!"

So he waves Heathcliff goodnight and after a few minutes gets up the gumptions to link his arm with Honey's, "So, uh, how's that formula going? You know, for turning me into a huge Kaiju?"

It wouldn't be Fred if he wasn't only half-joking, and Honey nudges him with an elbow, grinning, "You know that's not real science."

"Maybe not, but it sure is cool!" he grins, "Nothing's too awesome to be impossible!"

"Like an invisible sandwich? Like you're really eating a sandwich but everybody thinks you're crazy? Can't you just pretend?"

"Well, yeah, but that's no fun!"

They continue laughing and joking about science versus Sci-Fi all the way back to Honey's place, and she places the key in the door, but then she stops and turns to him, "Fred, we've known each other for two years… why didn't you ever tell anybody how rich you are until a couple of months ago?"

His eyes drop, and he shuffles his feet, "Well, I did. Before, I mean. At elementary school. And all the other kids were all… weird about it. I started going to a school for incredibly rich kids when I was 11, so I guess I fitted in… except being rich means you don't have a whole lot to do with your time. So I started drinking and doing pot when I was 14. I fit in after that. With other druggies, anyway."

"Those rich kids-"

" _Incredibly_ rich," Fred corrects her.

"They were the ones who died, right? When you were on the street looking for help, you meant for them? And nobody got to them in time?"

"Yeah. Benny sent me out because I was the only one who could walk," Fred sighs, "To be honest, they weren't that great as friends. In fact when I wasn't doped up I couldn't stand them. But it was better than sitting at home alone... Heathcliff's pretty cool, but it's not like having real friends."

So basically, Fred is saying that for years he grew up without decent friends? Honey touches his warm cheek, "Fred, I'm so sorry-"

"Honey," Fred straightens up, "I've accepted a long time ago that everybody's responsible for their own stupid choices. I was a moron to start drinking like I did, but I didn't ask Benny to bring crack that night; that was _his_ choice and… and you don't need to be sorry for _anything_ I've done."

Suddenly, almost as an experiment, he leans forward and gives Honey a quick kiss on the cheek, before pulling back and smiling awkwardly, not quite sure of what her reaction will be. And it's better than he'd hoped, because she jumps forward a bit, and kisses him back.

On the lips.

And he decides that he's finally a decent enough guy to ask the question.

"I… I get that you're a whole lot smarter than me, Honey… and lots more attractive… and I totally get it if you don't wanna be disappointed or embarrassed…" he blushes, "But… would you like to go out for a movie sometime? You know, like on a…"

"Date?" she smiles and loops her arms around his shoulders, looking into his blue eyes, "I'd love to."

And he smiles back.

* * *

It's been another three weeks. The team knows they're dating and there's just one thing missing from their relationship. Fred plans on suggesting it tonight. He coughs slightly as they exit the expensive restaurant.

"Honey, would you like to… walk _me_ home?" he asks with an embarrassed grin.

Honey thinks this over for a few seconds, but she doesn't need to think too hard. Fred is sweet, and kind, and she doesn't know anybody more patient or gentle – even if he can get kind of excitable in the heat of a battle, "I'd love to," she agrees, and they link arms.

They're about half-way to Fred's house when it happens. They pass by an alleyway and suddenly the pair of them are being dragged in, and there are three men with large knives. They're all bulkier than Fred, that's for sure.

"Hand over your wallets, losers!" the first guy snarls, waving the knife in front of Fred's eyes, "No funny business! You first!"

Fred swallows, and reaches in his back pocket, "It's okay, Honey," he tells her, "We'll just walk through it together."

"Oh, it's Honey, is it?" one of the men grabs the slim girl and she screams as he twists her arm behind her and holds his knife to her throat, "That's sweet… take off your jewellery, Honey!"

"Leave her alone!" Fred starts to move to protect her, and he's knocked down. The other two men grab him and shove him on his knees, a knife at his throat, "Honey!" There's the bastard throwing her purse down, pulling off the jewellery, including the bracelet Fred bought her, and now he's… putting his hand up her skirt… "STOP TOUCHING HER YOU BASTARD!"

"Fred!" Honey screams as he's punched and pushed back down to his knees. The man handling her grabs Fred's beanie from him and pushes it in her mouth. Oh god, are these men going to rape her and kill Fred? She can actually feel a hand in her panties and touching her and she's screaming in muffled terror.

"You bastards! Just take our damn wallets and go!" Fred begs, his fear rising as Honey is shoved against the wall and the man holding her grabs at her chest while the creeps holding him snicker. Her shoulder-blades are digging into the wall as she kicks at the man's shins.

"Struggle, and your nerdy boyfriend gets a knife in the face," the man waves his knife in her own face meaningfully.

"Honey, no! Don't worry about me! Just- ugh!" Fred is kicked in the crotch so hard that he's almost sick, and then a punch to the stomach, which he hardly feels.

Honey freezes up, but she can't help but scream through the improvised gag as her panties are dragged down and the man starts unbuttoning his fly.

"JUST STOP!" Fred feels like he's been frozen up. If either of them had their equip… if he was just stronger than these creeps… if he could really change into a Kaiju at will and not just have to wear a suit, he could stop these assholes; they're hurting Honey and that knife is so close to his throat that he can hardly swallow let alone struggle, for fear of getting his throat cut.

"Ha! What a weakass… he's shaking!"

"One move, loser… one move and you won't even live ta see your slut girlfriend lose it!"

Honey is shaking her head as she sees Fred's nails scrape against bare concrete, and she's terrified that the men will kill them both if either of them struggles too much. She'd rather the humiliating violation than for either of them to die.

"Keep. Away. FROM. HER!"

The last word is a roar and it's like time has stopped as Fred's scrawny body shifts, and reforms, and, his entire body feels like it has exploded, and he stands up… and up…

They all stare up at the eight-foot Kaiju towering above them, red and covered in scales, and flexing its claws, "Let her go, or you _die_ ," it growls. The men don't obey, because terror freezes them in place. One suddenly digs his knife into the monster's scales. It comes out without blood, and the monster backhands him into a pile of trash.

"K-keep away from me, you freak!" the man holding Honey tries to sound tough, but he's not fooling anybody, even as the monster stares at its clawed, scaly hands for several seconds.

"Oh, wow… this is so… awesome…" It looks up again, strides towards the man holding Honey, and picks him up like a toy, "I don't know how I'm doing this," it growls, "But I don't know how I'm not twisting your head off either."

"I won't touch her again! I swear! I'll do anything you say! Please don't kill me!"

"Yeah, you say that _now_ …" it growls, then turns its head, "Honey, what do _you_ want me to do?" it asks her.

Honey pulls Fred's beanie out of her mouth and stares, shocked at being asked, "I… I don't know," she sobs, her makeup running down her face with her tears, "I just wanna go home…"

"Then I guess it's _my_ call, huh, motherfucker?" the Kaiju asks the mugger, "I dunno… What do _you_ think you deserve?"

"I… I…"

Somehow even an eight-foot Kaiju can look disgusted, "If I _ever_ see you again… _anywhere_ …" The creature shakes him, "Use your imagination. So get out of my face, you… scumbag!" It throws the man across the road like a ragdoll. Then it turns back to Honey, who's staring at it and still crying, backing away. It rushes over to her and sinks to its knees, looking up into her eyes, "Honey, Honey are you okay?" it asks, and apart from the slight growl, it is Fred's voice, "Honey, I don't know what's happening, but don't be scared! It's just me, Fred!"

Honey stares at him. Then she looks around. There's one man in the trash, the other thrown across the road and the third is pressed up against the wall, frozen in terror. Despite the monster's obvious strength and destructive abilities, they are not actually badly hurt. The monster has huge claws and vicious teeth and it is… still less frightening than those men were, "Fred! What… what's happened to you?"

"I told you, I don't know! But please, don't be scared! It's… it's just like a costume!" And just like that, the monstrous creature is fading away and it's Fred again – if it ever stopped being Fred - panting softly, his face pale. He's frightened as much as she is. He stares at his hands again for a few seconds, then looks up at her, "Are you okay?" he stands up, human again, "Please, please be okay!"

"Fred…" she speaks tearfully. She can still imagine that man's hand in her panties, and it's infinitely more terrifying than watching Fred turn into that hulking red Kaiju, "I… I wanna go home…"

Fred turns to the man pinned up against the wall, " _You_ ," he points, "Get on your knees and start picking up our stuff, asshole," he turns back to Honey, holding her face gently, "Honey, I don't know what just happened, but I would never, ever, _ever_ hurt you…"

He goes to embrace her, and she almost falls into the safety of his arms, "I know…" she whispers as he strokes her hair. She looks up into his eyes, and realises that they never changed, "You don't have to convince me…"

* * *

So they're back at Fred's place, with Fred feeling grubby and Honey… crying.

Usually life is something Fred just rolls with, but for once he doesn't feel like that's going to work. Heathcliff is calling his parents and Aunt Cass, because she might know what to say – to Honey, anyway. And then – and only then – the feeling wears off. What was awesome becomes abruptly terrifying.

There have been days – really _bad_ days – in the past, when he's had the desperate urge to just smash open the medicine cabinet and mix everything together. But that feels like it was forever ago. Today that feeling is coming back.

He dials Wasabi and Go-Go before he can follow the thought down that hole.

 _I think I might do something stupid._

* * *

"Calm down, Fred. Go-Go and Aunt Cass are looking after Honey. Just… come on, why do you think you're going to do something stupid?" Wasabi asks calmly.

"Because I already did. Because…" Fred sucks in a deep breath, "Okay, this is what's gonna happen – I'm gonna tell you what I did, and you're gonna just… sit there and not know what to say. Okay?"

"Well… if you say so, Fred." Wasabi looks over his friend for any obvious signs of self-harm or drug abuse. Fred's not a liar by nature, but they've all been through a lot lately. It's been over a year but the last thing Wasabi wants to see is more bruises on Fred's skinny arms.

"It's pretty much the only reason why Honey didn't get… didn't get raped by those muggers."

"Uh-huh…"

"I turned into an eight-foot Kaiju thing and tossed those creeps away from her like they were dolls."

And Wasabi knows he shouldn't be proving Fred right, but he is.

"I wasn't scared. I didn't feel like a different person. It didn't feel wrong, or hurt. It was like putting on a coat," Fred covers his face and pushes his hair back, " _Now_ I'm scared."

"Fred…" Wasabi says the only thing he can think of, "It's good you're telling us this. But it's cool. You didn't hurt yourself, you didn't hurt anybody else, you're back, you kept Honey safe-"

"NO! That's not why I'm scared!" Fred grits his teeth, "It was so easy! I wanted to turn into a huge lizard so I could protect Honey, and I really did! And… and I could have totally lost it and ripped those creeps' heads off, because they deserved it! But I didn't want to do that! And I _didn't!_ I was a huge lizard and Honey was being grabbed at by the biggest assholes I've ever seen! I should have like, Hulked Out or something, so why didn't I?!"

Wasabi really doesn't have an answer. Fred is weird sometimes but this is a joke, right? Trying to lighten a mugging with a joke? Or worse, Fred thinks it's real. All he can say is, "Well, you didn't. And that's cool with me."

"Don't tell them I feel like this."

"Well… okay. I won't…" Wasabi takes a deep breath, "But _you_ should."

* * *

Breech: In the comic books, Fred doesn't need his suit to turn into a dragon-thing. So I did that here. Yeah, Honey nearly got raped. But she didn't!

And yeah while he was shaking off the addiction Fred's hurt himself a few times, but he doesn't do that now. Cus he's got his friends. Slashing wrists felt so cliché, so I went for bruises with that. No matter, next chapter is a big one…


	5. This Wind That Howls

My Demons Are The Wind

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: I guess Big Hero 6 ain't the hugest fanfom eh? Well, I've got more.

* * *

Chapter Five: This Wind That Howls

It's the same dream that he's had so often in the past, but this time it's different.

He's in a lab, and he's not sure how he got there.

But instead of it being his friends, laughing and joking, it's strangers.

And instead of being free, his wrists and ankles are bound and he's not sure why.

And instead of being him, he's just 5, maybe 6 years old.

"This won't hurt, kid." A needle enters his inner elbow.

"How long will it take?" he asks.

"Oh, soon enough, kid." A second needle pricks his arm. And a third. And then he loses track. It doesn't really hurt that much, and they _promised_ …

What did they promise?

Then the door is kicked open. Strange people – people with guns, and strange clothes – rush in, and there's fighting, and he's suddenly so scared; he can't run, and he crawls under a table, and there's so much fighting, and he's crying.

And then his dad snatches him up and he's crying and laughing with relief because, wow was that scary.

And as far as he can tell, everything goes back to boring old normal.

Except for the dreams.

* * *

Fred's eyes snap open. What woke him? Oh, yeah… Honey's staying for the night, and so are all the others, and Wasabi may or may not think he's crazy and he can hear Honey crying again from one of the guest bedrooms. He wishes he knew how to comfort her. But everything's changed…

He's a freak. He can turn into a giant lizard at will, and no matter how awesome that is, and no matter how easy it is, and even if that dream was a memory, it doesn't explain why he doesn't go fucking crazy and rip those guys apart… it doesn't explain why nobody got _hurt_ …

And what really scares him is… the thought that…

That one day he might just turn into Fredzilla and he'll go crazy. It doesn't matter how strong that strange avatar makes him; all the superheroes promise they'd never hurt their friends, and all of them break their promises. It doesn't matter how many times it goes okay if he hurts them even once…

 _So just don't turn into Fredzilla. Stick to the costume…_

But what if that's not how it works?

He's a freak. He has to stay away from them. What's he really done for them, apart from keep having to recover from drugs and fund the team that risks all their goddamn lives?

He goes to his computer and on a whim looks up a photo of the San Fransokyo Bridge. Still, they deserve to know why he's doing this. The transformation is easy – easier than the first time. All he has to do is try, and he becomes it. He can even take the selfie, despite the huge claws. He sends it to their phones.

Then he changes back and heads out the door.

* * *

 _Just so you know why I shouldn't be around you guys._

* * *

Fred finds a good place. There's flowers tucked between the railings here, so he knows somebody's done it before, right here. He climbs over the railings and edges along.

Okay… _freak_ … time to get yourself away from your friends before you hurt them for real.

The wind howls and beats at him, rages and screams, whips his hair into his face, tears at his shirt, and all but pins him to the railings. It's practically tearing him apart. Like an animal, a monster, a _demon_.

He's not sure of how much of a metaphor it is.

Everybody feels like this once or twice in their lives, right? Like jumping, or slashing their wrists, or grabbing a bottle of pills. People have done it over less. People have lost their jobs, or had a friend die, or learned they have a terminal illness, and they've ended it over things like that, right? Not small, but they feel like less to him. If they've done it, he should be able to do it to protect his friends from himself.

And anyway, if they catch him; if they bring him down, they'll just worry some more because he's a suicide risk, and it's certainly too late to take this part of it back.

And anyway, they all survived Tadashi's loss. They'll survive this. They'll understand, because they're his friends.

And anyway, he knows what they'll say if he lets them pull him back. That they believe in him; that they think he'll always stay in control of the monster, but deep down they'll always be scared. They're good people and they'll hide it, but deep down they'll be scared of him and yet they'll let him stay because they still need him; they need his _money_.

And then one day he'll open his eyes and there will be blood all over his vicious, deadly claws because he has lost control and turned on his friends, attacked innocent people, become something truly monstrous and brutal and feral, and destroyed his life in a way that just can't be repaired.

So. Scared.

He can't move. He can't let go. He's pinned in place because he knows that the only way to keep his friends safe is to drop into that water, and sink into the darkness that flows rapidly under the bridge. They'd probably never even find his body.

His phone vibrates in his back pocket, and he looks at the caller because it can't possibly make him more scared. It's Go-Go. Her call is clashing with Honey's. And Wasabi's. And Hiro's. All of them trying to get through at once. Looks like they got his text.

With some difficulty, he answers Honey's call, "Fred! Oh, thank god you picked up!" she sobs, "Fred, please say something!"

His breathing is a rasp and in the background he can hear Go-Go snarl at Wasabi to speed up and Wasabi's shouting at her that if they run a red light then they'll be pulled over and never get there in time. Nothing's changed there, anyway. The thought drags the choke of a laugh out of him.

"Fred?! What are you doing?!"

"I don't wanna hurt you guys," he croaks into the phone, his throat sandpaper-dry, "I'm just so scared right now…"

"Don't be scared, Fred! We're coming!"

That gets another coarse laugh out of him, and he hangs up, because he's _already_ scared. So scared that he feels like it is an actual physical thing taking over his body. Like if he dug his nails into his skull and ripped his head in half there might actually be some kind of singularity of fear that could be removed and then he wouldn't be afraid.

The phone is vibrating again, but this time he doesn't answer, he just stares out there.

The first rays of morning sunlight are rising, the stars are receding, and everything's changing. He looks down at the water. It's cold here, but the water will be colder. But only for a moment. It would be so easy. He just has to let go.

Except his knuckles are white and his nails are digging into his palms so deep that there might just be blood there because even though this would solve everything, what if after the plunge it's _not_ quick. What if instead of being quick, there's one eternal second of pain and fear and cold that feels like a lifetime?

He's never felt so afraid. _Ever_.

Too scared to let go. Too scared to climb back. If he drops, that's it. But he can barely move, barely breathe, to the point that just thinking about what he might do, what he could do, what if he hurts his best friends, his only real friends, is the only thing that reminds him that he is even still alive. And the wind roars and the tears run down his face and he's so cold that he's numb and the fear is blinding him and it would be so easy because all he has to do is…

Loosen his grip a little…

Lean forward a little bit more…

And…

Just…

Let…

"FRED!"

The Was-mobile, as Fred has called it, screeches to a halt and six people jump out.

" _FRED!_ "

Like a naughty child caught stealing cookies, Fred pulls himself back against the railings.

"Honey, wait!" Wasabi clutches her to keep her from running forward, "Fred?" Fred doesn't answer, "We saw the picture. Honey told us what happened and… Fred, just come back down…" he pleads, and there's a silence, "There's something we want to tell you."

"I don't want to hurt you," he chokes, "And… and I know you'll say something about this hurting all of you, but you saw the picture… and what if I… what if I…"

"Okay… then listen…" Wasabi coughs slightly, and narrates, "All I know is that we have to try. That's what life is. We try. We push back against the darkness, just a little."

"You're quoting Superman," Fred can feel tears running down his face, "That's not _real_."

"Yeah, I guess not. But you know what? Neither is 'hulking out'," Wasabi swallows, because he's scared right now too, "You didn't go crazy with those muggers. You didn't go crazy when you took that selfie. Come on Fred… Show us. Turn into Fredzilla. And if that makes you think, or feel any different… then maybe you're right. But I don't believe in Fredzilla. He's not _real_. Not like you are."

Fred stares down at the water longingly.

Go-go speaks, "It's not Fredzilla you need to keep under control, Fred. It's yourself. It's all you, all Fred, 24/7. Everything you do… it's your choice."

"Honey told us about what happened," Hiro mumbles, "When we were fighting Yokai… when I lost it, I told Baymax to destroy Callaghan. And then I ran away, and I even tried to get Baymax to do it again. Anybody would go nuts over what those muggers tried to do. Anybody but you."

"I just didn't want to kill anybody…" Fred feels like the wind is freezing his tears to his face, "Even those jerks… they weren't worth it…"

"And you _didn't,_ " Hiro agrees, "I turned into a monster for a moment... You didn't. I believe in you, Fred. I don't believe in Fredzilla."

"I don't believe in Fredzilla either," Honey sniffles, "But if you're so sure he's real… then do it now," she swallows tearfully, "Put on the costume, and prove that you're going to hurt us as Fredzilla… just know that we all love you anyway."

Fred takes a shuddering breath, and they all watch the transformation. Even with Fred needing their support, as the morphic signals hunt for his transformation, the change is stomach-churning to say the least. Hair is overgrown by scales, teeth become fangs and fingers become long, brutal claws as the whole thing adds another two feet to his height. They all shudder slightly at the sight.

For Fred, just as before, it's as easy and painless as putting on a costume.

 _Or taking off a mask_ , he thinks.

"You see? I'm a hideous monster," Fred growls sadly, leaning forward a little again, shaking as he stares down at the cold water.

"Scan complete. Frederick Lee, age 19, 6', approximately 155lbs, blood type AB+," Baymax informs him.

Fredzilla's head whips around, "You just _scanned_ me?!" he growls at Baymax, "I'm a huge, scaly, red monster!"

"I can confirm that this is your visual appearance. But my medical sensors are not showing any signs of damage," Baymax comments, "You scan as Frederick Lee, age 19, 6', approximately 155lbs, blood type AB+. The transformation into an eight foot Kaiju is all some kind of illusion that will doubtless be explained by sufficient medical study. I do not believe in Fredzilla either."

Fredzilla… Fred… he's not quite sure which is which any more… loosens a huge hand from the railing and wipes his eyes. He hears them gasp. They're all here, and they… they're all here. They're not scared of him. Which is another of the things he was scared of.

"It wouldn't be worth it," he sniffs a bit, "It doesn't matter how powerful… how awesome… how easy this is…It wouldn't be worth it, if I lost it and hurt you guys as this… _thing_ … even _once_ … I couldn't live with myself. I need to do this _now_."

"Fred, _please_ ," Honey pleads, her face pale with fear.

"Fred, forget about _what if_ you hurt us," Aunt Cass finally speaks, "Think about what if you _never_ hurt us. I _know_ you've used drugs, but then you made the right choice and decided to take control of your life. That's _not_ something to take lightly! This is just like that! Under that… Fredzilla thing, it's all you, Fred."

"And my sensors indicate it always will be," Baymax agrees in his calm voice.

The monster beats and howls at him again. It's not really a costume like they think it is, the railings are cold against scaly hands and the fear that seems to be all-embracing is the only thing he feels; it's the only way he knows that he's still alive. The wind is so harsh and the water looks so cold. The stars are faint, and the sun is rising and the river is flowing under the bridge and everything is changing, and it would be so easy to just lean forward and let go and protect them forever…

But that's exactly how it was yesterday. Fresh water runs under the same bridge, the night changes to day, the stars shift a little even though they are the same stars, and there's always been a part of him that's scared he'll lose control and hurt his friends, and yet it's a little less than yesterday, just as it always is.

Tomorrow has become today and today has become yesterday, just as it always does, and yet everything is changing. And that's nothing new. Change is the one thing that you can rely on. Tomorrow won't necessarily be better, or worse, but it will be _different_.

But Fredzilla isn't changing _any_ of 's not something that needs controlling. It's not its own identity that needs to be battled, or an animal to be tamed. It just _is_.

He loosens one hand from the railing, provoking another horrified gasp, and wipes his eyes. He's still crying. That hasn't changed either.

"I… I think…" he hesitates, shaking, gritting sharp teeth and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Fred?" Honey asks, her voice trembling.

Fredzilla gives them a weak, toothy smile, "I think Hiro isn't going to need to upgrade my costume again…"

He shudders and pulls back from the edge. They finally rush forward and help to pull him over the railing, and he continues to cry openly in front of them.

And before he knows it, all of them… they all rush to hug him. And he's not sure if they're hugging the eight-foot Kaiju that is Fredzilla, or a 19-year-old wannabe-superhero, or an 18-year-old alcoholic, or a 16 year old stupid-ass dopehead, or… or even a 5-year-old on a strange lab table. And he's not so afraid, because he knows it's all Fred. It never stopped being Fred.

And somehow, he knows now that it always will be.

* * *

Breech: Fred's been presented with a power he always wanted, and it would be really useful, but he's not sure why, or how, nor does he know a damn thing about it, and it comes with a 'no backsies' tag.

I don't think Fred is normally suicidal but this must be a huge shock for him, straight out of nowhere, and scared people just don't think straight. He just needs some support right now…

It's not quite over… Next chapter is probably the last.


	6. The Wind Beneath My Wings

My Demons Are The Wind

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: This chapter is the last, I think… just wrapping all that Honeyzilla up in a cozy bow.

* * *

Chapter Six: Wind Beneath My Wings

Fred came back from the 'family island' a week ago, and he's told the team a few things, mostly that Fredzilla is a costume, not a person – which is what they told him. To prove it, Wasabi's played chess against him in Kaiju form, and Fred was as bad as ever. Whether Kaiju or human, it's Fred; enthusiastic, honest and gentle.

For Honey, that powerful Kaiju form is nothing compared to the nightmares she's had this past month of those horrible men with their fingers in her panties. Each day she tries to put it behind her, and each night it comes back again.

Still, the important part is that the team's together again. All of them.

"And now I'm not scared!" Fred tells them cheerfully, concluding a brief explanation that includes a lot of testing and also how Fred's learning to box now. And a few things about how the team's being monitored by S.H.I.E.L.D agents and might even be accepted as an official super-group.

And then he asked Honey Lemon out to the movies.

It's sometimes tough to tell what will excite Fred more – a nuclear warhead or a freshly-laid sparrow's egg.

"Thanks for walking me home again, Freddy…" Honey smiles and opens her door as Fred stands on her doorstep, fidgeting slightly.

"Happy to do it," he smiles, "Means I get to spend more time with you!"

Honey makes her decision all at once, "Fred, would you… like to come in?" she asks, looking back at him.

Fred grins, "That would be great," he enters, knowing what he wants to happen and still nervous, "You… well, if you…" he stares up at the ceiling, a slow blush spreading on his face, "I'm properly clean now, Honey. I don't drink either. The doctors on the island told me that was why I couldn't do it – or control it. I kinda… feel a lot better knowing that."

"That's so great, Fred," Honey blushes at the awkward look on his face.

"Guess if I want to keep being awesome, I'll have to stay clean," he jokes, "Thanks for… for not giving up on me. Even when I was ready to give up on myself."

"Freddy…" Honey hugs him tightly, "None of us gave up on you. And neither did you." She kisses him on the cheek. And then they end up looking into each other's eyes.

"Honey, I really… really…" Fred swallows, "Finally feel like… I'm worth it. I mean, you still deserve _way_ better, but I finally feel like I won't ruin your life if we…" he is really hoping that he doesn't scare Honey right now, but saying it is the only way to find out, "Then I remember those… ugh… _'men'_ … touching you and that's _not_ how I want to make you feel."

"Oh Fred…" Honey takes his face in her hands, "You could _never_ make me feel that way."

They kiss. It feels good, and then it feels even better as they close their eyes and Fred wraps his arms around her waist, thinking how lucky he is to have a girlfriend as smart and sweet and beautiful as Honey. And she's thinking how wonderful it is to have a boyfriend as sensitive and considerate and kind as Fred.

Their lips part again, and Fred's English Major is completely floundering because he can feel himself hardening up in his pants, and the way their hips are currently pressed he's pretty sure she can feel it too. All he can think to say is, "You'll tell me if I get it wrong, right? Cus… I don't know where I want to stop…"

She nods. Fred's so cute when he gets awkward like this… not that she's got any more experience, "I'll tell you."

They kiss again, and this time Honey is kicking off her heels and Fred is doing the same with his sneakers, stumbling a little into Honey's very pink bedroom. She pulls off her coat and he drags off his sweater and they sit on the bed, just kissing for a little while as their hands move.

Fred coughs gently, kissing Honey's neck as he slides his hand up her shirt and plays with the back of her bra a little. She's not complaining, and he's harder than ever, and a low groan escapes him.

"Fred?"

"It's just so… nnngh…" he slips a finger inside the waistband of her waistband, "Really _hard_ …"

"Fred, before we go any further," Honey smiles a little as he pauses, "You're wearing fresh underwear, right?"

"Well, yeah. I always change into fresh underwear for our dates."

"Thank god!" Honey sags in relief before pulling her knees onto the bed and laying a hand on Fred's crotch, feeling how hard he is right now. She sucks in a breath as he starts sliding a hand into her leggings, and she's kind of afraid that it will feel like those monsters in the street. But it's not like that at all. Fred's alternately kissing her and whimpering softly as she starts to rub, his hand not even in her panties yet, just stroking lightly. Her hand enters his pants and he groans again.

It's like that for a few more minutes, with him groaning softly and Honey squirming, until he pulls his hand out and starts to unbutton her shirt shakily, each button followed up by another kiss. When he's finished, he licks two fingers, then hesitates, "You'll… let me, right?" he checks.

"I am so glad you asked," she tells him, and nods before they kiss again and she pushes her hand into his underwear, her hand closing around his cock.

"Hnnngh!" Fred jerks hard, then huffing slightly as he eases his hand into her panties, stroking the slit before easing his fingers in.

"Ah!" Honey cries out, and as they hold on to each other they're both grinding together. So it's no huge surprise that she isn't noticing her cell-phone vibrating in her back pocket. In fact if anything, that's why she's pulling Fred down on top of her as their hands and lips move. Which is why it picks up.

* * *

The real reason Go-Go called Honey was just to check if she's okay. Not to hear any of that. Because Honey's crying out like that and there's some guy there with her…

Go-Go's about to run out the door when she hears Fred's voice.

"Honey… Oh god, oh god… That's… sooooo…"

"Fred… Fred… keep going, keep on going…"

It takes a few seconds of fascinated horror before Go-Go stirs herself to just type in a text message for a joke.

 _Hey, Honey. Just called to check u ok but I hear you and Fred really busy so Ill call tomorrow morning._

She's pretty much grinning when she hits 'send', then ends the call.

* * *

One third-base escapade later…

"Oh… oh…" Honey can still feel her hips shaking. Fred came in her hand, but he didn't stop until she came too, "Fred…" she whispers hoarsely, breathing deeply.

"Honey?" he's lying on his side, and wraps one arm around her. They're both half-stripped and on top of the sheets. He's feeling a little worried for a moment, but then she rolls up closer to him and kisses him on the lips, "So… that means it all went good?"

"Yeah," they curl up together, "I guess you didn't want to take it further?"

"Did you?" Fred asks, worried for a moment, "I don't have a whole ton of experience. Didn't want to scare you," he kisses her, "Besides, I kinda didn't bring any rubbers…"

They kiss again, Honey giggling and Fred stroking her, arms wrapped around each other.

Fred smiles suddenly, averting his eyes, "I'm just thinking about how much I've wanted this," he explains, "Not just this. Anything. With you. Cus you're smart, and kind, and…" he lets out a slow breath, "So, so beautiful, in so many ways. All of that is a whole lot more than I deserve."

"I don't know, Fred," she tells him, stroking his cheek "I think you deserve to be happy."

They kiss again, and wind their bodies together for the night.

* * *

When Honey wakes up, it's to the sound of the door knocking. Fred's still lying next to her, snoring gently and half-dressed just as he was last night. She unwinds from his warm body reluctantly and pulls on a dressing gown. When she approaches the door, she can see Go-Go's silhouette, and sighs, because she knows she'll have to let her in…

"Hey, Honey," Go-Go smirks the moment she walks through that door, "Get my message last night?"

"Well, no," Honey admits, "I was kind of… tired out last night. I went to bed early…"

They step into the dining area, and Go-Go's still smiling. It's so tempting to embarrass Honey about this, while there's also the part of her that wants to scream, "Fred?! You're settling for Fred?! Are you insane?!" Eventually she decides that she should come clean herself, "Honey, I know you had a guy around last night."

"Er… how?" Honey asks.

"Because I called you, and the call was answered," Go-Go replies, "Don't worry, I didn't listen for long, but it's not worth denying… so, who is it?" She probably shouldn't be asking when she already knows, but she's just a little too interested in knowing how Honey will react.

And just outside the door, Fred – currently dressed only in his pants, with the rest of his clothes in his arms – holds his breath, because he doesn't want his friends to be ashamed of him.

Honey takes a deep breath, "It's Fred," she says calmly, then smiles, "Yes. It is. He's still here. Is that a problem?"

"Well… no," Go-Go admits, "Fred's a good guy. But I still feel like you could do better."

"Oh, you always say that," Honey smiles, "Honestly, we didn't even go all the way. I was nervous, but I didn't even have to ask him to stop. He didn't do anything to hurt me."

"He better not-"

They are interrupted by a cough. Fred's in the doorway, grinning a little, "Hey, Go-Go. You… well, you don't look so surprised to see me, huh?"

She looks him up and down, then stands, "Fred, I just wanna say that by no means should you take this personally, but as you know, Honey's one of my best friends and if you ever hurt her-"

"I would never!" Fred sounds indignant.

"-Then I'll have to kick your ass from here to New Seoul. While wearing my wheels. Got that?" Go-Go checks.

Fred grins, "Got it. But, uh… I just needed to say I've gotta step out, Honey," he looks over Go-Go at her, "Or I'm gonna be late at the soup kitchen."

"The soup-kitchen?" Honey and Go-Go both raise eyebrows, "Why would you eat at the soup kitchen? You're rich!" Honey points out.

"Hey, I don't _eat_ there," Fred pulls on his sweater and his sneakers, "I help out there on Wednesdays and Fridays. See you after college at the Lucky Cat, right ladies? You know where I am if you need me!"

Both the girl's jaws drop as Fred rushes out the door.

"You know, after all this time, Fred never ceases to surprise me," Go-Go sits down next to Honey, shaking her head, "Why doesn't he tell us these things? And when he does, why does he just come out with them like this?"

"I guess he must think of it as some kind of super-hero secret identity thing," Honey can't help but smile just imagining Fred dishing out soup and cleaning up tables, "I think it's important that he's still keeping himself busy."

"Yeah. So…" Go-Go leans closer like a fellow conspirator, "Was it good?"

* * *

Breech: HA! Done!

Well, was he good? I figured it'd be best to end on a high note. Fred's had his problems, but he's pulled through them with the help of his friends.


End file.
